Now I know what I didn't know

*Sorry for the late post...

March 12, 2014

All through this journey I said I had it easy, I stayed with you and lived just one side of the journey.  I stayed in hospital by your side knowing your mom and others would take care of sisters and the rest of our lives.  I always worried for your mother, what she must be going through bouncing back and forth from Calgary and Medicine Hat.Tonight I sit at home with your sisters in Medicine Hat learning what its really like to be this far and helpless.  Kallum I have a re-affirmed what I mean when I say your mom belongs to an elite group of tough mom's with sick children, it kills me to be this far away and I don't know how she did it.

I thought I was ready for this, as mom has been doing the monthly appointments alone in Medicine Hat.  The first time you got blood work after your line was removed I struggled thinking about the needle I missed, but I made it through the day with little notice for my concern.  Through this all only Mom and I had to hold you down for needles, it made me comfortable thinking you felt safe with us holding you.  The second time, as one would expect passed easier, its not the fact mom is there, she's more capable than me; I have a hard time letting go of the fact I'm not there and a harder time knowing somebody else is holding you down.  I lost count of the many sedations, mornings fasting, hours waiting, talking and distractions, suddenly they are a blur cause I'm not there this time.  I now truly feel the internal battle your mother endured, tonight was easy when the girls were awake, but left alone to my own thoughts, I battle.

Its been some time since I shared a lot, but I wanted to make sure you know not only how proud I am of you for how you faced this journey, I also wanted you to know how proud of our family I am for facing it together.

This family is full or heroes, you taught us how.

Love Dad